Today we’re talking about the greatest lie Instagram ever sold us: that you need a six-pack, bulging pecs and thighs that could crack walnuts to be allowed to get your kit off in public.Absolute bollocks.The truth? The average British bloke – dad bod, beer gut, builder’s bum, moobs that arrive five seconds before the rest of you – has the PERFECT naturist body. And here’s why.
1. Built-in furniture
That little overhang you curse when you’re trying to see your belt buckle? It’s a natural drinks shelf. I’ve rested pints, phones, paperbacks and once an entire barbecue-prone sausage on mine without spilling a drop. Gym lads with shredded abs have to hold everything in their hands like peasants.
2. Natural sun protection
A bit of padding means you burn slower. I’ve watched ripped lads go lobster-red in twenty minutes while my insulated arse stays a dignified “lobster bisque” for hours. Science, innit.
3. Cold-water superpowersJ
ump in the North Sea at Whitby-style and the skinny fellas are squealing and turning blue. Us cushioned units just bob about like happy seals going “Ooh, refreshing!”
4. Deck-chair forgiveness
Ever tried lying on those plastic slatted sun-loungers with a proper shredded back and a coccyx that sticks out like a coat hook? Agony. My arse has its own built-in memory-foam. I sink in, sigh happily, and stay there till closing time.
5. The best compliments always go to the normal bodies
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard:
- “Mate, you look proper suit being naked” (said to a 50-year-old with a gut like a space hopper)
- “Blokes with a bit of timber just look friendlier in the buff”
- “Gym bodies look weird without clothes – too veiny and hard. Give me a proper dad bod any day”
And yes, women have actually said that out loud at mixed events, and gay mates have nodded along like “Yep, bears over twinks in the sunshine, every time.”
6. Tan lines that tell a life story
Sharp V-shaped gym tan? Boring. Our tan lines are abstract art:
- Pale belly with a red ring where the cider sat
- Farmer-tanned arms that stop exactly where the T-shirt sleeve used to be
- Two white arse cheeks glowing like headlights because we forgot to turn over for three hours
It’s a badge of honour. It says “I work, I drink, I eat curry, and I still get my arse out when the sun shines.”7
. The great equaliser
Here’s the secret nobody tells you: the lads who look like Greek statues in clothes often look a bit… odd with nothing on. Shoulders too wide, waist too narrow, bits looking strangely small against all that muscle. Whereas your standard-issue British bloke bod – soft in the middle, solid legs from walking to the pub – suddenly looks perfectly proportioned when the layers come off. We were built for this.
I’ve seen it happen a hundred times: the nervous first-timer with the classic lockdown belly walks in sucking it in, spends ten minutes looking round, realises every other bloke has the same belly (or bigger), lets it all hang out and instantly looks ten times more relaxed and ten times more handsome.So if you’ve ever stood in front of the mirror poking your gut and thinking “I’ll wait till I lose two stone before I try naturism” – stop. Right now.
That body you’re hiding under baggy T-shirts is the body that was designed for naked beer gardens, naked barbecues and naked sea dips.Grab a towel, find a sunny spot (or a cloudy British one, we’re not fussy), and let the belly lead the way.Because out here in the real world, the dad bod isn’t just accepted – it’s bloody celebrated.Now then, who’s sending me their proudest “before & after letting it all hang out” pics? Best beer-gut shelf or whitest arse wins… absolutely nothing but the respect of your fellow nude dudes.Get ’em in the comments. Let’s see those masterpieces.
Stay soft, stay proud, stay naked.